Specimen 001 · July 2, 2026
The First Page
In therapy...I'm working on not being perfect, challenging the belief that I am responsible for others emotions, and existing genuinely.
Not being perfect seems easy on the outside. I am actually fairly good at making mistakes. But my version of not being perfect is more nuanced. I'm working on doing things just for me. I have ALWAYS been a performer. On stage since I could walk. So the idea of doing something that isn't for someone else to see, enjoy, judge, like, etc.? That is unfathomable. My version of perfectionism is in all areas of my life being who and what other people need me to be. At some point I lost who *I* am.
My therapist suggested I try junk journaling. She gave me a small junk journal starting kit. Which is incredibly kind and thoughtful. But the idea of making something that isn't for other people to see has put me into a creative paralysis. I cannot even consider what I would put in there. I was thinking about this and why I simply can't just create in that way. And I starting thinking of the good old days of MySpace and LiveJournal. And I wondered what the proverbial kids today are doing instead. I started googling and came across neocities. I adored geocities back in the day (I remember when the original hamster dance page was born...I'm internet-ancient). And I realized that I could create my own thing here...kind of a digital junk journal. Customize it to my vibe. Stretch my old school html skills a little. And hit a publish button. It's the publish button that got me out of my paralysis.
Someone may find this page...and if you do, cool. Hi! But, that's not the point or intention. This is just my own page to catalogue the things that make me feel the feels.